I've finally made it to LA. Not without a lot of bumps, and bruises, and scars and of course--tears. I went to yoga tonight. Generally I do Bikram, but I found a little studio close to home that does heated yoga and I opted to go there for a month to check it out. They have a sort of, relaxation class, where you hold a sitting or laying posture for 3 to 5 minutes and then you move on. It is in this holding that I found the deepest of my tears.
I recently left my boyfriend of a year and a half or so. We were great together--not going to lie or hide that. But as with all things, when collaboration becomes adversarial and trust is lost, no good can be created. I've been so busy that I hadn't taken time to flush out the emotions and thoughts, so on my yoga mat, I lay in savasana and begin relaxing my muscles and before I know it, I'm streaming tears down my face with no effort. Images of my fear of being alone, my fear of making a mistake. The unintentional desire to want to go back and plead to try again, the "how dare he's" and the "if only's" flood my mind as my breathing deepens and my body releases. This not only became about this relationship, it very quickly became about my self-consciousness of "what if the teacher sees," and more importantly, "I can't breathe!"
I pushed through, reminding myself to greet the emotion, allow it to 'speak' out. Then to soften as I was physically doing through the yoga. My mind became the usual calm, clear, stuffy nosed version it can become in yoga. I had lapses throughout the class. I'm pretty sure the teacher could tell because every time I felt a tear seep out, she'd come over and correct me--maybe she was hoping for me to redirect my thoughts. After coming to final savasana in class, I had a realization. In all negative circumstance, I have always found a way to bring it to a positive that is many times over more exciting and enjoyable. I'll share an enlightment now...
Back in December, I started a monthly dinner where I invite all my friends to come out to enjoy good food at a quirky restaurant. I was asked by my ex-boyfriend why I started that and at the surface level, it was to stay in touch with those I've met and care about during my crazy busy schedule. But when I looked underneath all of that--below the waterline--it was because I didn't get to go out often enough and felt, stuck. My ex-boyfriend and I were having major issues, we didn't go out much. My workflow for freelance work picked up majorly, making it very difficult as well to get out myself. I wanted to go to this restaurant I drove by and I went out on a limb and invited a bunch of people. Fast-forward to today, it's one of many things I look forward to every month. Lesson learned: This negative event of loss will soon become one of positive growth and enlightenment. But just as I did with the dinners, I must maintain my focus and consciously create choices that will continue in that direction. This one's much more long-term than the immediate gratification of the dinners, but nonetheless, I have the self-power to bring this to another level, to a new positive outcome.
Now I can breathe again... and maintaining a physical relaxation will assist the most so I can better care for what's going on below the waterline.
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