Wow this month slipped right through my fingers it feels like. But I did get a lot done and discovered and am putting to work a lot of what I've learned. So what did I learn this year let alone the past 2 months? A LOT! So I'll start by reviewing those things...
- If you're not happy at your job, do everyone a courtesy (yourself, especially) and leave!
I say this one because I was very unhappy at my job at Visa. There was no way of advancing, and I was under the microscope no matter what I did. I felt like I was being told to go 'die' and that's how i felt like I was living. Finally, after finding much inspiration through books and a personal desire to find happiness at a much stronger level, I took the leap into the unknown: without the security; without the continual punching bag feeling; and just trusting that the universe would find where my feet are going to land. And, I am thrilled to have done so much more that I am passionate about, that I care about, I now
love to live! Quite a difference. All it takes is knowing what you want--but I'll cover that later.
- There is enough abundance to go around, it's just how you think about it
I can't quite recall where I grabbed this idea from, but I read/heard somewhere that abundance isn't always about financial "money" per say. There is definitely enough abundance to go around for everyone. Why? Because if we all followed what our heart's path begs for us to do, it would all be vastly different things; not everyone would go running to be a surfer, a librarian, a teacher, an artist. And I picked up another method of finding "Abundance/worth" rather than in a dollar bill. If you count all the hours people spend giving knowledge (Like my acting websites that have tips for free), libraries that lend books for free, when others buy even a simple soda it all adds up to that abundance.
When I began thinking of it, I laughed and said to myself, "I already feel like a millionaire!" Because it was true! Calculate all the books I've borrowed from the library free and that's at least $500.00 . For all the time Jeanie spent with me free of charge to get my submission stuff that was at least another $800.00. Jon taught me some vital business techniques for running a cart, $300 of business school. The websites continually provide at least $700 of good information for free. There's been plenty of people that have bought me dinner or a snack here or there. Even purchased things for my new home here in ABQ (Rafael with the pillow $15.00, Andrew with dinner $100+, People at work bought me cookies, $20). Even those times I got things for free (my Bikram Yoga shirt, cookies, toothpaste from the dentist, etc) those add up! It's these things to be especially grateful and happy for. So my goal for $200,000 dollars by the end of next year will be simple--although that is the income of cash I'd like to have.
- Stillness, stillness, stillness...& Breathe
When I started reading
The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Chopra, all I got out of it was to give, that karma exists, and yeah, there's a purpose as to why I'm here on Earth. Now with the combination of Yoga,
The Secret, Mike Robbins, and Ivana, Chopra's hour-long book has turned into a very deep connection in the pursuit of my acting, life, and all that is in my universe right now. Because it stresses stillness and Yoga very much progresses in the idea of stillness, I have had first hand experience with the idea of this. I know how detrimental it is when the Empire State Building hits and you have no idea! It has also taught me what it means to be in the "present moment" whether it be Acting with a script or whether it be life. By being truly present, it allows an open mind to intercept even the most subtle of movements/words/etc. It allows real emotions, and real reactions. You lose preoccupations with obstacles like nervousness, fear, abandonment, failure, and other similar ideas. This is something I will continue to work on, since it is so vital to my acting.
The Breath is also very vital as I learned from my acting class with LeeAnn. In yoga they also stress the idea that breath is what links the mind to the body. by keeping stillness in the mind and breath to the body, it is possible to reach anything--from emotions, tears, happiness, success, and strength.
- When all hell breaks loose, just know that what you want is right around the corner
As you might recall from the beginning of this blog, some very strange things started happening after August of this year: everything I was doing at work wasn't getting me positives; my acting coach had started making acting class a place where I wasn't growing; I was losing touch with my "last attempt to please daddy by getting married" motive; and I began setting my eyes on the prize of what I wanted--To act, and inspire the world to feel again, to live. But, I was unhealthy, had no motivation, ready to commit suicide. My parents didn't understand my fight for life within acting. All they kept saying is "At least you have a job, look at the economy. So many would be happy to even have your job." So I said, "FINE! I'll give my job to someone who would be happy with it!" I figured out that my choices were actually controlled by what would please my parents and I wasn't happy with the results of having to live with those choices. So off I went! I was out of there by the beginning of October! And I wouldn't even dare to look back. I felt so released, so free, so happy. But then stranger things happened...
I couldn't keep a job. The one I left Visa for hired and fired me within the same week. Then I couldn't get any representation in Colorado. But I saw a light from my old Agent Vince who introduced me into the Ivana Chubbuck Method (yes, I'll give him that much credit). On the way down for the first workshop with Jeanie, I got a speeding ticket. I came down to look at apartments in a semi-serious manner, and found an apartment that would have me move in a week later. I connected with an "on-again, off-again" friend Kasha. After that I was so enthused and amazed by the acting workshop that it opened my eyes to how much a mistake it was to stay where I was--in suicidal Denver. So, I signed the apartment lease and was in bulldog determined to get my ass here! But that wasn't the end of strange either... Then, shit hit the fan.
I was having financial troubles trying to get the money together to go (From cashing in some stock, to getting a loan from the bank,) then came the difficulty of getting assistance to help me move my stuff, then give up some of my stuff (like my childhood dresser). Then came to telling my parents hoping they wouldn't tell me I couldn't have the car to move with. And of course the weather couldn't help but get a word in with a 2-foot snowstorm. And Sadly, my Great Grandmother died 4 days before I was to leave and the funeral was the day I was supposed to leave. But when all the shit settled and I arrived here in ABQ--I was so happy. This is where I officially felt a release of tension, a feeling of bliss. I remember sleeping the first night on the floor of my new bedroom and tears were uncontrollably falling down my cheeks because I had done it, I had left what was my death to where I could live. I am free, I am open, I can explore, I am powerful, I am now, me. And I'm glad I didn't give up during the "shit" and allow obstacles in my way. That is what I mean I learned that when "hell breaks loose, hold on because what you want is right around the corner."
- Meryl Streep is officially my inspiration and footsteps to follow
Every time I watch Meryl Streep, it brings me to tears. Especially after seeing her in the recent film
It's Complicated. I see audiences that react and actually be apart of the movie. She brings such an essence and presence that it bewilders those who watch. I want audiences to react to my films in just the same. Shouting out "NO!" to the screen when I'm doing something I shouldn't. Laughing when the unexpected chance comes out of left field. I read an article about her in some magazine and she talks about how she doesn't see herself as the traditional "beauty." Neither do I. I don't see myself as the Megan Fox. I doubt I could ever be as hot as she is. I am as hot as Meryl or even as Julia Roberts. Nonetheless, Meryl Streep, I love you. And I will be the best I can be because you will have taught me grace, sophistication, pride, and so much more.
- You can only go as far as those who have taught you
This one rings a bell so true that it is almost amazing. As I've stated before in this blog, I am only willing to go as far as the one leading the class requests. I have learned to change this perception (Thank you yoga, again!) and have found now it is a matter of me pushing myself to expect great things because no one is going to force them out of me when it really counts. There was a job I was going to take where the last thing the guy said at the orientation was about a theory of who to take advice from. He put on the board different statistics that an insurance company did of people when they were 18 and where they ended up at 65 listing that 1% were millionaires, 5% were financially successful, 45% were above poverty, 10% were dead, etc. If someone is teaching you how to be successful and they've only known how to live above poverty, how can they teach you to reach the millionaire success?
Well, there are portions of life that they would be able to teach, however they may not come through as that. It's a matter of interpreting and really understanding what is coming behind the words used. He did have a point that you need to listen to those who have "been there, done that" in a sense. They will have known the roads crossed and it takes some of the uncertainty and insecurity out of the road. That's why I feel it was a good move to leave my last acting coach. I understand and have compassion for those people who said "he wasn't good enough to teach them anymore" because they had reached his level of knowledge and they felt no growth, no stretch, nothing because he didn't know how to reach this out of them. He also has stunted himself by refusing to continue learning. Jeanie, on the other hand, she is above me by many levels and knows how to bring that out of me to make me her equal. It gives me something to work on because the steps up to her equal are not quite solid, but now that I know it is possible--I can start building! It's kinda like creating muscle memory in Yoga--pull a little harder!
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I learned a lot more over the past year, but those are some highlights I've really found useful.
Just as an update since the last post. I did do my stand up comedy! YAY!!! And I did get some laughs. I froze in the middle of my set but I did pretty good! I also had a photo shoot yesterday that was paying! And I'm slowly getting some amazing photos back from that. I posted it up by my success wall I have above my bed.
So what do I really want for next year?
I know I have success in Acting when I see my movie posters playing throughout the US. I see the Red Carpet is beneath my feet. I see myself studying with Ivana and Howard Fine. I hear reporters and paparazzi asking bajillions of questions and my agent's phone ringing for interview requests and offers for roles in movies. I hear rumors of nominations for Oscars and Academy Awards. I feel prideful, strong, confident, and amazing that I am now reaching out to audiences and inspiring through my performances.
- Acheiving a home in Burbank, CA.
I know I have the right home in Burbank, CA when I see the palm trees in the front and back yards. The house has hardwood floors and the kitchen, though small, is warm and inviting. The 2 bedrooms have excellent views of the hills. I feel the warm breeze and the comfy grass beneath my feet. I feel relaxed and cozy. I hear the floor creaking in excitement, pure joy and stregnth. I hear the comfort of dogs barking, laughing children, and friendly neighbors saying hi.
Having $200,000 dollars in my account looks abundant. It feels free, available to fulfill what is required for any situation at hand. It brings a release of worry, a sense of ability. It sounds like plane flights, fine dining, and comforts at home.
Well... those are a few I'm set on right now... I'm doing my best to really create these vividly in my conscious so the universe can assist through and provide me with the tools and actions needed to complete them.
2010 is the year of the tiger. 2010 is my year. I've got a great running start, I'm not about to give up on it now!
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There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.
Nelson Mandela
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