Obstacles are those frightening things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
~Henry Ford
~Henry Ford
That gives me an ass-whipping because I've lost track of my goal of becoming a successful actor and have started doing self-sabotaging moves like letting nerves get to me, not taking the appropriate measures to study and prepare correctly, and not following through on everything that I need to follow up on. Part of this issue is that some of them are so little, that it's really hard for me to be aware of them. For instance, I was being disrespectful to a couple actors by interrupting them while they rehersed (sometimes I was provoked by them, but I must learn to redirect them). Even in my performance I was nervous so I did't have the stillness to rid my perma-smile. So now that I'm aware of that, I can work harder on keeping those to a minimum so I can really shine through. After all, I control it, it does not control me.
Switching gears here... To recall the positive of what I did right at the workshop.
- When I looked down for lines, I didn't break character.
- I had everyone on the edge of their seats
- I was confident before I absorbed some energy
- I was prepared with my script analysis
- I got my Words of Affirmation from Darlene
- Everyone loved my headshots
- Many people were amazed that I did something so close to my heart
- Two people were so amazed that they came up and told me they expect great things from me
- My intention to analyze people's monologues with the Ivana method worked--to an extent
- I was able to talk to Darlene after and she said the only thing that's lacking is confidence--thank god that's the only "big" thing right now because I'd hate to hear anything more honestly. So for it to be narrowed down to trusting myself and being confident when I walk in, when I perform, and when I gracefully take myself out of the room is a positive, it means I have grown.
That's something I've observed over the past month... My subconscious is one smart mo'fo and my conscious mind is the dumbest of dumb! Any time I've gone with my gut feeling and my subconscious, I've been in the right and done well. But my conscious mind likes to play with me--matching new events as proofs of negative and positive events that already exist to keep me "safe" like it always had. It gets in the way a lot more than keeping me safe! It takes time to change the mind from finding results that I don't want to results that I do want.
Intriguing enough, last night I was looking for the result of doing the best I can and getting recognized. Well, I sure got that! But I didn't know how to respond with grace and gratitude. Instead, my Conscious mind went "OH! Holy my banana! Do you really want this? Remember last time you did your best...?!" and convinced my subconscious mind that it was wrong (because it's gotten that treatment many times) and had me act erractically to contradict the compliments I got. And then to make it worse, now I got a case of the "should've's" on how I needed to just take it with style like Lora did at Kathy Brink's workshop. The proofs of me doing fantastic and being unrecognized, ignored, even belittled is so much greater than the proofs of me doing fantastic and getting the well-deserved attention for my hard work. It goes back to my self-worth and allowing obstacles like that subjective proof analysis crap to get in the way of my true potential. I guess in a way, I'm afraid of what may echo when my potential is shown--hense the fear of success playing it's pawn.
What is my motivation to be an actor anyway? Why did I get started on this path to begin with? Is this really worth it? In all seriousness, I want to have an opportunity to change the world, to have others see the world as a safer, better, place than what many view the world. That love is something that is worth putting in the time. And, in essence, it is worth diving deeper in yourself to find an understanding of those around you. I started on this path because it is where my heart is, it is where I feel most comfortable. It is better than sitting in a cubicle where the corporate world is constantly telling me to shove my f*cking feelings, thoughts, and creativity into time-bomb cancer cells and to manuever through the office and home like a robot--constantly absorbing negative energy to feel as though my life is not worth anything, that it isn't worth bettering myself or the world and projecting that feeling out to others and even my future children. It gives me a sense of purpose rather than a sense that we're all bound to die so keep working the 9-5 so everyone in the world remembers that death is the only escape to happiness--and even that is whether there is something after this world. And to know that I have a purpose, a reason, a guiding light that is beautifully blooming, that is reaching to where I can have the opportunity to touch many other lives and ultimately begin to share my mission with the world. THAT IS WORTH ALL THE TEARS, ALL THE SMILES, EVERY LAUGH, ALL THE ANGRY MOMENT, EVERY BATTLE WON, ALL THE BRUISES, EVERY SCAR, EVERY EMBARRESSING MOMENT, EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF MY LIFE. We need a change of perception in this world. I want to be a part of that change.
Well, that was very much grounding. Now, why am I scared of that--maybe in the same regard that I am when I had the opportunity to speak up last night. I'm not 100% an example of the above in full (like Ghandi). I'm close. However, my favorite story that goes along with this is about Ghandi:
“Be the change you want to see in the world.” -Gandhi
“A mother once brought her child to Gandhi, asking him to tell the young boy not to eat sugar, because it was not good for his diet or his developing teeth. Gandhi replied, ‘I cannot tell him that. But you may bring him back in a month.’ The mother was frustrated as she had traveled some distance, and had expected the great leader to support her parenting. Four weeks later she returned, not sure what to expect. The great Gandhi took the small child’s hand into his own, knelt before him, and tenderly cautioned, ‘Do not eat sugar, my child. It is not good for you.’ Then he embraced him and returned the boy to his mother. The mother, grateful but perplexed, queried, ‘Why didn’t you say that a month ago?’ ‘Well, said, Gandhi, ‘a month ago, I was still eating sugar.’” (Blaine Lee, The Power Principle, (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997) p. 170-171)
Gandhi wrote, “How can I control others if I cannot control myself?”
“A mother once brought her child to Gandhi, asking him to tell the young boy not to eat sugar, because it was not good for his diet or his developing teeth. Gandhi replied, ‘I cannot tell him that. But you may bring him back in a month.’ The mother was frustrated as she had traveled some distance, and had expected the great leader to support her parenting. Four weeks later she returned, not sure what to expect. The great Gandhi took the small child’s hand into his own, knelt before him, and tenderly cautioned, ‘Do not eat sugar, my child. It is not good for you.’ Then he embraced him and returned the boy to his mother. The mother, grateful but perplexed, queried, ‘Why didn’t you say that a month ago?’ ‘Well, said, Gandhi, ‘a month ago, I was still eating sugar.’” (Blaine Lee, The Power Principle, (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997) p. 170-171)
Gandhi wrote, “How can I control others if I cannot control myself?”
So if I want to change the world's perception on Love, on giving positive lifestyles and living happiness, I must learn to control myself. My frontline is with casting directors and other actors. After that, it is on to the films I get to serve my talent and beliefs to. Then the general public to interpret and catch on to the positive vibe and act vicariously--at first, I'm sure--but ultimately find that living through truth, hope, love, and positive is much more rewarding than attaching to expectations, playing victim, and projecting more negatives onto the world.
Well, that helped release some tention. Now it's just a matter of enjoying the journey to get there. I better get working on the script for my class tonight. But I will be back... obviously... lol...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
~Leo Tolstoy
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
~Leo Tolstoy
No comments:
Post a Comment