Your body follows where your eyes are looking...

Rightly said by my yoga teacher tonight. It even spans across regular life--as I am experiencing right now. When you focus on the negative, the obstacles, and the insensitive people, your life turns into that--negative, insecure, and unmotivated. I went to my audition tonight and found some walls and blocks that I thought I broke are back in a mutated form. Errgh, to say the least! But to break them down again from their mutated state, I'll expose them then we'll do a super version of "Focus on the Positive" (again, to get my eyes looking in the right direction to make everything else follow).

So no world, I did not have a very happy thanksgiving break to Denver. The highlight was hanging out with Kasha, one of my highly supportive acting buddies. Other than that, it was a very negative pool of piss--for lack of a better imagry. It did clear out some things I've been meaning to clear out of my life--a particular "friend" of mine--but it brought in more negative than I could override in the 3 days I was there. Now I know why I was so desparate to leave before my moving here, and I'm debating if I really want to go back for Christmas. But as Jeanie says, "an event causes a belief that causes the emotions that causes the behavior that creates results" so when I'm done with all these negative harboring issues, I'll try to view these events in a positive belief so positive emotions flow through the behavior and can help me to start creating more positive results than what I'm getting now.

The negativity punch happened when me and my dad were leaving for dinner the night I got in. The dogs had a scuffle and my dad used it as an obstacle to keep him from going to dinner. I finally had to get "rude" to convince him to go. He didn't really bring it up at dinner, but he didn't say much.

The next punch happend when I met up with this "friend" who offered to fix up my Demo Reel and make it into a spiffy DVD. I wasn't excited, because I had a feeling what he wanted (on the drive up to Denver, he kept suggesting that we meet at his place...yeah...). We met at a coffee shop and he spent 3 hours fixing it up--and for that I'm thankful because it looks way better than what I could do--and as I was leaving he asked for a ride. That's fine. I took him back to his place and said thank you again, and that I needed to leave so I could help my mother out with some things and he just sat there professing that he wanted to be a better friend to me and that he wanted to know more of what's going on, etc, etc, etc. He'd already proven that he didn't care, so I told him I'd keep him in the know and that I had to go. BUT! That wasn't good enough. He then went on to say that he wished he could've lied better to me about *undisclosed* and that's where I absolutely lost it. If you all have been keeping up, I am very into telling the truth, integrity, and the like--that's why I started this blog, to keep me honest with myself to help others. For him to think about lying to me about something that did involve my wellbeing, okay that's just wrong; but then to turn around and say he wished he could've lied better straight to my face, completely wrong. That destroys any trust, honor, or even relationship. How do I know he won't lie about it again? How do I know that he would ever be honest with anything if I let him get away with that? Hence why I determined he was after the one thing I wouldn't give him. I calmly asked him to get out of my car and he wouldn't! I asked 5 times before he even moved. Then he got out and slammed my car door and I sped off as quick as I could. It took a while, but the tears started to fall--I've never felt so unimportant, unloved, underminded, frustrated, belittled than knowing that there's someone out there who I loved so much and would've given anything for would be willing to lie at any cost to my face. I'll use that sometime in my acting, I'm sure of it! Hope he feels used now... lol...

The next day was not half as bad, other than hearing my mom's obstacles of how her body doesn't work (Well, if you'd take care of your body better instead of willing it through what it can't handle [again, a lesson I've learned]). Then I went and spent time with Kasha, so it was a good day of chilling with her, going over one of her scripts, and I got to help her with using the Ivana Chubbuck technique to create a deeper script. So, Goal! Positive to list later.

Thanksgiving day was a bundle of negativities. After hanging out with my brother and his ex, we went back to the house and my mom went into a frantic "Is the house clean!?!" obstacle. It's unusual that anyone ever came over considering my dad hates people... speaking of which... Dinner came with much surprises. My mom underestimated the turkey cook time, and so food was late. And we had random guests at our door! My brother's best friend and his family--the ones my dad hates to be around! Oh boy! They arrived right as the food hit the table and when my dad saw who was there--up and out of the room he was and went hiding. He didn't even eat! I, again rudely, told him that if he didn't eat with us that I was gonna be mad (again, my teenage angst casting crawling out in real life). He didn't care. It gives my dad much pleasure to have obstacles and keep things in the way--another main reason why I wish not to go back for Christmas because I caught this negativity bomb and brought it back down here. He left the room and we didn't get to eat as a family.

Following that, I haven't seen this family in about a year, due to scheduling conflicts, just not being invited, etc. So when I heard the mother say, "Oh look, she hasn't changed a bit." I got a little testy. Maybe because I know I've changed, maybe not in my looks, but in my demenor and my execution of what I do. But it really gave me this pit of negativity since she's technically an authority figure, and it put my subconscious to work to look for proof that I haven't changed (proven by my audition today). I'm sure she didn't mean "anything" by it, but she seemed very less interested in me after I informed her that I'd moved down here to NM. The entire night she didn't ask about anything in my acting--and she was one of my main cheerleaders less than 2 years ago. Again, another moment where I feel unimportant, uninteresting, belittled, and dismissed.

So after all those events, I now had a big black hole to take any positive work that I've done over the 3 weeks away from this crap. And so when I returned, I was already unconsciously projecting out negatives to everyone that I came into contact with. Not good. Then I caved in and started listening to the other negative people here. In particular, a co-worker that has a very negative energy about everything and, because I was vulnerable and negativity likes company, I openly welcomed it and absorbed it.

Now my subconscious keeps looking for obstacles to come in between me and my acting, my job, my home here in NM, etc. I think I mentioned earlier about hearing the stories about break-ins and murders on the news down here and I had to turn it off so I didn't fear the outside world--well, that's what I'm now living. It took me 3 weeks and moving here to get all similar crap that cleaned out from Visa and from my parents, family, etc. I hope I can come back to some kind of restorative positive sooner than that. I'm gonna keep my eyes looking toward the positive, that'll help. It's just about taking time to do that. And so we'll look at the major events and try to turn them into positives....

Event #1: My dad's use of excuses and obstacles

• Negative Belief: He's trying to keep from connecting, trying to do everything from having to look at the outside world and enjoy what's around.
• Positive Belief: It goes back to my secondary love language as "Quality time". Because I connect time spent with me as a way to gauge someone loves me, this continues my dad to be a substitution for any scene where I want to be loved.
  

Event #2: That "Friend"...

• Negative Belief: He just wanted to have sex so he could feel empowered, making me feel like I couldn't be without him, and so I am just an object. He thought by doing me a favor he would get one in return.
  
• Positive Belief: Because he tried to take my self power away, this event gives me something to pull from when I have a scene that requires me "to get my power back." On top of that, he disrespected my primary love language of "Words of Affirmation" and for that, the Universe is helping me clean out house and saying that he's not someone I need in my life if I wish to continue on the path that has heart.

Event #3: "You haven't changed a bit..."

• Negative Belief: Maybe I'm not good enough to be who I want to be. Maybe she's trying to fit me into this mold that I no longer fit and so, by projecting that I haven't changed, she manipulated me into "what I was" instead of wanting to acknowledge "who I am now". So obviously I haven't done enough to make myself stand out.
• Positive Belief: I completely understand the meaning of something so slight and harmless. It really messes with some people more than direct insults. When I see something like this in a script at least I'll know to pack a bigger punch into that then anything else. She also is now another substitution I can use when a script calls for me "to be validated." Because I was looking to her for validation of my growth--obviously, it didn't come out as I'd hoped. But it's given me things to work off of.

That's about as positive as I can make these events for now. After all these events took place I went to Yoga to start straightening out a lot of this grief and found myself really pushing on my back exercises. I've also noticed I've been eatting unstoppably since all of this. The primal diagnosis is: I am upset about the recent past events and I am trying to digest all the negativity that has happened so it can leave my body.

Most of me doesn't even want to digest the negativity because it's found it's old home and has started to set up shop again. It's happy that I don't have to live up to what I've set myself up for. It's been dying to be "right" about all the things everyone has doubted me in concerns with my acting or moving here, or even wanting to be more than a cubicle worker that meanders through life unmotivated to do anything.

It's gonna take a few days of reading and possibly some mental therapy to reset it. So to get started with today: a Mega Sized Version of "Focus on the Positive!!!!!!" In this version, I will do 50 positive events that have occured in the past 72 hours. If I can go more than 50, I will. But 50 is the bar, so here we go...

1. I got booked as a Host on a TV Game Show!
2. ...and the scripts are written soo perfectly for me
   
3. I'm getting much better at Yoga!
4. I have a good car
   
5. i have a good computer
6. I get paid in the next 72 hours
7. my fountain makes more waterfall noises than it used to
   
8. I had an audition today, which makes it the 2nd audition in less than a month
   
9. I got a photo shoot offer for next week
10. I got to clean up the stand at work--i really enjoy doing that
11. I have a crush =D
    
12. And he knows I like him, and he likes me!
    
13. The Yoga teacher was so thrilled that I'm a local celeb!
14. Jeanie is still amazing, She was so happy I booked this job that she feels I'll have no troubles getting another agent
15. Kasha's moving down here in February!
16. Kasha's excitment on the phone about my booking validated my words of affirmation love!
17. My apartment was safe while I was gone
18. My dogs are still potty trained! thank goodness for peanut butter bribes!
19. I got a new yoga mat
20. I got to hear some good songs while I was at work today
21. Christmas Music!
22. I get Pandora back tomorrow, just in time with my need for adjustments
23. I have acting class on wednesday
24. Peanut sleeps with me at night, my silly cuddle bug
25. Fedex/Kinkos gave me a discount to save me money when I needed something scanned
    
26. The Auditioners liked me.
    
27. I made it to Yoga after my audition without having to rush
28. Got some good food to cook
29. got to sleep 14 hours on Saturday night
30. Found out Legally Blonde is coming to Denver!! OMG you guys!!
31. I'm being noticed everywhere I go, by complete strangers, so I have to be emitting some good positive energy
32. Andrew got me FFX to replace the one that got stolen!
33. I'm hoping for a Chia Pet for Xmas
34. Angels have been helping me to the max--It's too cool Kasha!
35. Pretzel likes playing with her toy.
    
36. Someone gets to do my make up for the TV show! I don't have to worry bout it!
37. I got free full-size versions of Victoria secret make up! Didn't see that in the give-away bag!
38. Milk lasts a lot longer down here! Almost 3 weeks!
39. I have no work till next week! Even then next week I only work 2 days! Good to work on my Acting workouts!
    
40. I have Jeanie's acting class Next weekend!
41. Someone offerred me a day job starting in Jan
42. I saw my boba tea friend
    
43. I learned the lesson about Stillness, and how effective it is
44. Vanilla yogurt is amazing
45. Discovered I should put Meryl Streep, Jim Carrey, Emma Thompson and Julia Roberts on my Dream Wall.
46. I have a mini-fan base growing!
47. The Universe is helping me realize that my reallife love will come in time--again, patience, grasshopper! But now is my time to grow and share my mission of providing humanity a way to feel love and accept the happiness and positive it can bring.
48. So excited for the new carpet at the yoga place, smells mucho better-o!
49. My crush believes that I am the next Julia Roberts or Drew Barrymore (again, words of affirmation!)
    
50. I'm beginning to feel a little bit more connected.
    
51. My yoga mat's name is Gaiam, I blacked out the G & A so it says "I AM" Just a reminder that I'm on the path with heart.
52. I got to shop for new outfits for the TV show.
53. I didn't gain any weight from the holiday weekend!
54. it only rained in ABQ, it was a beautiful warm rain too!
55. My hair is getting longer
56. I still make the greatest grilled cheese ever
57. I took fruit with me for a snack at work
58. I didn't have a cookie today, but i had lots of good cookies over the weekend!
    
59. Had a sprite for the first time in, like 30 days, and it was amazingly good. Nice treat
60. Saw The Wedding Singer on TV last night
61. gave myself a pedicure and manicure
62. My heat still works, very nice!
63. Eggs for breakfast!
64. I made my lunch for work, good turkey sandwich
65. I'm gonna sleep good tonight!

Well, I made 65. That should be good start and foundation for me to continue for bout 5 days. Then I'll regain a lot of what I lost. In the meantime, i'm gonna call it a night!

I'll leave with this quote...

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"Imagine throwing a little stone into a still pond and watching it ripple. That's what you do when you go into silence and introduce your intention. Even the faintest intention ripples across the field of universal consciousness that connects your desire with everything else. This field can orchestrate an infinity of details for you. But if your mind is like a turbulent ocean, you could throw the Empire State Building into it and you wouldn't notice a thing."
~Deepak Chopra, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success