Learn from those who are doing

I was watching Reality TV (Project Runway--Love it!) and discovered something quite innate about the season 6. It was interesting that Irena, who won, worked continually from within her own creative world, her subconscious state, to create what came through as a story in her entire line in the finale. On one of the episodes prior to the finale, there was a bickering fight where another chick was so far in her head about what others were doing that she ended up losing, because she couldn't create something. She was disconnected from her subconscious. Nonetheless, Lesson Observed: become focused and determined in the subconscious mind and everything falls into place. Heidi Klum applauded Irena stating, "She had a story to tell, and she found a way to bring it out."

Now, connect that to acting. I chose to become an actor because I have something to say. I didn't know what up until a few weeks ago, but I want to share with the world that it's okay to feel, that it's okay to step into the unknown and go with your gut instinct. Too often many people are so stuck in keeping themselves safe from feeling, safe from tragedy, safe from truly connecting with someone that they end up self-destructing. They don't work out what's in their subconscious mind so they end up with diseases/cancer/constant pain/etc, because the body can't heal itself without allowing the mind to really look at the situation.

Even in the past few weeks that I've been doing this work to aid my acting, I've found myself happier, taking more risks, and wanting to push further. Granted the more you've kept out of your subconscious, the harder it is to get back in. There are some things that I have so repressed that it's hard to get there and really see what that situation has created and attributed to my life. That's why I love that Jeanie is in my life because she's helping me want to look further into it and really look at situations for what they are. So now I can really see if I'm projecting beliefs out on to someone or if someone is trying to project their beliefs onto me.

For example, before I moved down to NM, there were a lot of signs telling me to get my butt here: I couldn't get a Job in CO; I couldn't get representation; I wasn't growing in my acting, I wasn't getting in healthy relationships; I got a speeding ticket requiring me to return to NM; etc etc etc. But right before I left CO, some of the biggest trials started coming up: my great grandma's death; the big 3 ft snow storm; the challenge of packing everything and letting go of somethings. Even though I tried telling my mom all of this, she kept saying "Listen to the universe" as if it was telling me to stay in CO. She was projecting her belief that she learned somewhere, sometime. I'm not sure what it is, I'm not her. But out of that, I created a belief in my subconscious that when my mom says something, do the opposite. Hence, when I asked her 2 weeks ago what she thought of my blog and she said I was putting out too much, I said "Good!". Unfortunately, her belief about my blog did affect it for a week where I was writing shorter, uninteresting banter. But after really looking at why she would say something like that and what I wanted from her (to validate my feelings about being strong-willed and going after what I desire) to change my mind and come back stronger on here. That I can use in my acting in a scene that requires me to retaliate against someone who doesn't validate my feelings in a scene.

So then jumping to why I titled this entry "Learn from those who are doing." I've found I will only go as deep as who is leading me in my acting classes. When the acting coach is holding back themselves, they create an energy of apprehension. Energy travels and I believe I caught this energy and has restricted me in many classes I have attended previously. But with Jeanie, when she asks me to go somewhere and if I asked her to "go there" first, she would willingly. That makes me want to go there, to show her I can match the risks, match the depth, and really dig in. And I'm not the only one! Everyone drops their conscious mind and goes for the depth and risk. When one person goes, another goes deeper, and we all go to match it. It's really a unique experience.

"A great metaphor for this phenomenon is that of an iceberg--usually only the 'tip of the iceberg' is visible on the surface of the water, while the majority of it exists underneath the waterline."
~Mike Robbins, Be Yourself Everyone Else is Already Taken pg 143

When someone is teaching where the industry requires a depth to the creative voice, it is important that they are open and really understand the depth of themselves to allow others around them to know that it is okay to "go there" and it creates a better, positive, voice. I know with myself when I'm not feeling it's okay to "go there" I don't learn, I can't do my best work. And so if I'm in a class where I'm learning to become comfortable with the "go there" feelings and the energy is telling me it's not safe to "get there"--how can I do that in an audition? How can I really use what I learn that night in my 'actor's toolbox'? It creates an anxiety feeling in my acting box that it's never safe to pull the "go there" feelings on an audition or on a film.

I think that's partially why I fell into my negativity slum for a little bit. I will spark that safety and security energy to "go there" and take the lead that it's alright to do it. I'm not quite sure how to do that right now, but I will be able to soon. I'm really hesitant to go back to an acting class that I know people there are supportive of me being here, but it's a Negative Ball. And there's some people when I come back to CO that are Big Balls of Negativity. So I'll have to put up my "Critical Thinker" and keep them out of my subconscious so their Negativity does not slip in--AND I didn't realize how much energy that really takes, but my god, I had to take a nap today to recover from having to be on guard about what was coming across over the past 4 days.

And as I write this, a song called "Glasgow Love Theme" came on Pandora and has put me into a reminder that everything's okay. That is a unique grounding experience. Wow. Alright. On that note, I'm going to bed. wow.....

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"I do believe that for us to be who we really are and to love with a deeper sense of authenticity, it's essential that we start to share more of ourselves. This can be scary and challenging, but it's one of the best ways for us to get real and to tap into our power and freedom."
~Mike Robbins, Be Yourself Everyone Else is Already Taken pg 145