What happened to you, Roe?

Maybe you've heard, maybe you haven't. But I have been placed on the disabled list.

Why? What happened? Let me explain with some fun graphics. Most of this is more for my own self satisfaction, but I hope it's helpful to you too.

The Prelude
Back in May, I thought I had a muscle knot under/near my shoulder blade. I had been regularly working out five times a week consistently for four or so months. I was pretty proud of myself because it's the first time in my life since childhood that I have worked out as much as I was.

Me (hanging) with Lovely Ladies of Nerdstrong Gym

And, to top it all off, I was seeing some great results (look to your left, that's some fancy shin muscle and my arms look amazing!)! I had almost dropped a pant size at this point and I was finally running without my ankle giving out on me or a lot of pain. Yay!

There was a suggestion to get a massage since the muscle knot wasn't going away after a week. I did so, and it was great at releasing all the pain for a few days -- but a week later, it then returned. So I did another massage -- this time it didn't last as long. I continued to work out until I noticed that my right arm wasn't holding me up in plank and couldn't do the push up exercises we were doing. A few weeks went by, I kept pushing through -- until the pain escalated and I started experiencing numbness all the way down my arm to my pinkie and ring finger. At that point, I decided it was time for medical attention...

To the Urgent Care Facility ran by Medi-Cal.

I point that out specifically because, upon arriving, I was given a number (much like the DMV). And I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. 10 hours went by, I was not called. They skipped my number, but they had been skipping around. And the lady at the desk explained that they go by the worst injury first, then go down. I wasn't bleeding, and my pain, though intense, was tolerable (6-7 on the chart of 1-10). So, the likelihood of me being seen in a reasonable amount of time, zilch. I had work to do, so I left the Urgent Care, asking to come back the next day and have priority. The nurse I spoke with agreed to those terms and I left.

The next day, I returned at 8am. And again, handed another number. When I saw the nurse, she said that there were a lot of more urgent patients than anticipated and I would need to wait. So I did. For 8 more hours. I left to finish my work and returned around 7pm, only to wait for another 3 hours (total hours waiting: 22 hours) until I was finally seen by a doctor. The doctor took an X-Ray of my neck -- which I didn't understand. I figured my problem was with my shoulder and my arm, not my neck.  So we did the X-Ray, and... waited. For another hour. When they pulled me back for the X-Ray results, the doctor said, "I can't actually read the X-Ray. I would be able to tell if it was severely broken, and I can see you don't have a severely broken neck." and then went on to prescribe me a muscle relaxant. I tried to explain I needed something for the nerve pain, but she said the relaxant would do. I was told to wait until my primary doctor appointment in late August for further treatment.

I had a fit. I went to seek medical help, and medical help didn't really help. I lost all hope at even trying to see a doctor. I was on the phone with Medi-Cal every day trying to change doctors to see somebody sooner than late August, and every time I tried, they said there were so many restrictions, I was not likely to see anybody sooner. So I carried on my painfully merry way and kept my schedule the same: gym, transcription work, film industry work, and class. I noticed some mobility issues (I could no longer lift my arm above my head, my ring and pinkie finger were no longer typing efficiently on my keyboard, there was a consistent burning and charlie horse sensation near my shoulder blade, and the numbness/tingling was at a new high). But what was I going to do? I couldn't seek medical help until late August.

Until, once again, two weeks later (now beginning of June), I was at the gym. I went to do a push up and noticed I had to not only go down onto my knees, but my right arm gave out -- my face meeting the ground. Later that same day, I went to Subway for lunch and after filling my cup at the drink station, I couldn't lift the cup with my right arm. When I tried to place a lid on the cup, my ring finger and pinkie failed to get the nerve message to move out of the inner side of the cup, causing me to spill my drink all over myself. That's when I knew there was something terribly wrong. The pain had escalated up to an 8-9 on a scale of 10. I only felt comfortable if I laid down or if my arm was placed across my body and my hand was holding on to my opposite shoulder.

At that point, a good friend of mine made me an ultimatum: either I get a doctor's appointment within the following week or he's taking me to the Emergency Room at the end of the week. I still couldn't convince the doctor's office nor Medi-Cal to change me to a facility to see me sooner than August. And Friday came, I did a yawning stretch and felt four of my upper back/neck vertebra's pop and it sent an insane shock of lightning down my arm to my hand and it didn't subside. So, my friend took me to the ER.

The Emergency Room

After waiting in the ER for only 2 hours (hear that, urgent care? 2 hours!) I was taken to see a doctor and then shipped off to do an MRI. When the MRI results came back, the doctor immediately said, it looks like you need emergency surgery. It's not good.

...surgery? What the --? I came to the ER expecting to leave with a prescription for nerve pain and told that this was something that was nothing. But surgery? She went on to explain that I had two herniated discs and there was major inflammation, causing the nerves that exit those discs from my spine to my arm to feel strangled (in layman's terms); hence the numbness I was feeling. They needed to fuse the discs so everything had proper placement.

So, at 2:30 in the morning, I was whisked away to a hospital room and told I could not eat or drink anything -- ironically after I had just downed a waffle and a cup of water upon arrival to the room. My life's changed. Thank god for my friend because I blanked out after hearing the word "surgery," and he went on to explain that this is what happened:

The Diagnosis

The two herniated discs are in the C5-C6 and C6-C7 position (see the pretty picture to the right, credit to website: http://www.fairview.org/fv/groups/public/documents/images/259797.jpg).  In between C5-C6, there was a 3mm disc protrusion and between C6-C7, there was a 4mm disc protrusion. Disc protrusion, in layman's terms, is also known as a slipped disc or herniated disc. With this, it was putting pressure on the nerves surrounding these -- explaining the numbness and tingling running up and down my arm to my hand. It was also affecting the C8 nerve root -- which explains why I couldn't pick up my cup at Subway.

I have what's shown in B, C, and D.

I had a text book case of each symptom of the herniated discs in that position.  The hard part about this is my condition is defined differently from doctor to doctor and surgery doesn't necessarily prove as a better solution than the long haul of physical therapy and pain management. BUT! Once it's healed, it doesn't come back. So, the nurses started loading me up with anti-inflammatories, pain meds, nerve medication, and the like. I went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up and the nurses loaded me up again. Then, breakfast arrived. I was so confused. Apparently, from what I understand, the nurse explained that Medi-Cal may have declined the surgery. But that the neurologist was reviewing everything. If I were to have surgery, they would make it the next day, so I was welcome to eat. This was the moment where the first of many limitations appeared; I could not even bring the fork to my mouth with my right arm without tremendous pain. Despite the IV being in my left elbow, I grinned and bared it to eat with my left. The pain was so much worse to try and get my right arm to feed me.

Later in the day, it was finally decided that I wasn't going to have surgery and they were going to do conservative treatments first. Little did I know, but this also came with me remaining in the hospital for the next four days.

This is where the mental and emotional troubles started. Every doctor that came in would look at me and go, "Oh, you look so healthy, how could you have problems?" I started to explain to every single doctor (I had 6) to not judge the book by its cover. Clearly, I'm in trouble here. But even I, looking in the mirror, couldn't understand how I went from someone that was gaining so much physical strength, always eating healthy and taking care of my body, and always erring on the side of what would be the healthiest choice, could end up in this situation. How could this happen to me? What caused this to happen? The doctors kept asking and I kept going, "I don't know. I have no idea." It's not something that set in overnight, but it certainly wasn't sparked by any specific event like a car crash or so. Then the Physical Therapists came in.

I was completing the simple exercises they gave me, except I was truly struggling and sweating my balls off. And then, they put a towel against a wall and asked me to put my forearm against it to hold it up. They kept asking me to put more pressure, and I thought I kept giving more. Then one of the therapists said, "What's wrong with your shoulder blade?" My mind started rushing -- oh shit. Watch, surgery's gonna be back on the table and it's not only going to be my neck, it's gonna be my shoulder as well. Great. Fantastic.

...and then the therapist confirmed: "You've got a displaced shoulder that's doing a motion called winging."  See the photo to the left.  Apparently, I may have been compensating for the pain I was experiencing by moving my shoulder out of the way. Okay. The therapists mentioned the movements they were going to assign me would help adjust this.

We finally got to the last part of the exercise. The PT doctors told me to move my arm up as if I were pushing the towel up the wall. I tried. I mentally even thought I was moving the towel. When I couldn't move the towel even a centimeter and the PT doctors saw me struggling and asked me to stop, I started having a meltdown and cried. Why, why after so much exercise and equipped with such an "able" body am I not able to move the towel up the wall?!" It's a stupid easy movement. What the fuck?! The PT docs left and I returned to my bed, continuing to cry over the situation.

Doctor after doctor came in. Each assured that my situation could possibly be cured by this or that, a shot to the neck, a little PT, and rest. We've tabled surgery for at least three weeks while we give this or that a try. The primary doctor confirmed my circumstance could take up to 6 months to heal and gave me a list of restrictions:

• No lifting anything over 5 pounds
• No typing (I know, I'm breaking this rule for this post)
• No use of computer unless the monitor is at or above eye height -- hard to do with a laptop unless I'm sitting on the ground -- which I am.
• No running, no stairs, no other exercise outside of PT
• No driving (I can't look over my shoulder to my blind spots, if I get in an accident, my neck is royally screwed, and the drugs they gave me cause sleepiness)

Ultimately had to face my situation. This isn't going to go away quickly. Clearly, I'm screwed. I can't continue my day job (transcription is hours upon hours of typing) so how am I paying bills and rent? I can't go anywhere, so even if I got a new job, I can't drive to it. I'm basically reliant upon others to function and do the majority of everything. Crap.

This is the danger in which I have to admit has caused me to feel depressed and unkindly challenged me mentally and emotionally. It's a complete mind fuck because when I look in the mirror, when I consider what I've known myself as fully able and capable to do, I don't understand that I have to mentally check myself before I go and do an activity and confidently say 'no, I can't do X.' There's even good days where, without thinking prior, I just go and do it. I forget about my limitations because in that moment, I'm not feeling the true after effects -or- even if I do feel the twinge and the lightning shooting pains down my arm in the movement, adrenaline swoops in and buries it instantly and gives me enough oomph to ignore the pain signals. But then, there's the bad days, where all those movements and decisions (like typing this blog) smack me like a train and I have no choice but to stay in bed, load myself up on the meds, and sleep -- sometimes all 24 hours only being awake to feed myself and then reup on the meds. I don't know if or how I can keep living the above restrictions the doctor gave me for possibly the next six months.

There's definitely more to this mental and emotional mind fuck. But at this point, I'm going to have to save it for another day. So, as they say in Hollywood, look for the sequel to this blog where I'll explore the inside of how I am and am not handling the mental and emotional side of this; including my discoveries on my self-hate, handling the weight gain after losing it all, and my incapability of really accepting and storing the love and support I've received.

Until part two.... TTFN....

2013: Yin & Yang

Within the spinning chaos,

When is darkness, there is light. 

When there is light, there is darkness.

Yin and Yang really sums 2013 up for me. I've come to realize that even day to day, there's good and bad that occurs. This year had its fair share.

The Light:

• I retired from Corporate America - Never will I ever find myself trapped amongst the cubicles, chained to a desk, required to clock in with a "perma-smile" on my face ready to please the company and sacrifice my own wants and desires. Success!
• I worked on over 10 productions this year alone - That's even hard for me to believe; but it breaks down to something like this: 
• Acting - One film and One TV Show (the episode will air in 2014!)
• Script Supervision - 4 films
• Producing - I produced 2 films this year; one being accepted in a film festival in 2014!
• Additional crew work - From craft services to grip/gaffer to a production assistant, I worked on 3 other films.
•  I am curating positive, healthy relationships - Whether it be friendships, business relations, or a new love, I have managed to leave the ugly behind and am learning to foster those relationships that will continue to be, I hope, lifelong relationships. 
• I knocked some things off my bucket list - I got to foster a dog. Although that was a crazy experience, I helped. I also volunteered time with a man who has Parkinson's.

And now, for the Dark...

•  Financial Irresponsibility - Yep. This was a year of growth and understanding of my transcription business. Work comes and goes like waves of the ocean. I've finally diversified with enough companies that I have steady work year round. But, that doesn't help the bank account at the present moment. It should also go without saying, but I learned just because I have the freedom, it doesn't necessarily mean I can go overboard in playtime. I took a lot of time off to commit to film projects that were unpaid.
• Chaos Occurred - I experienced some of the most devastating things I would never wish on my worst enemy. First, I went to surprise my father for his birthday/father's day only to be greeted with the most despicable of treatments from my family yet; leaving me to return to Los Angeles feeling like an orphan. Second, I was, as most of you know, sexually assaulted. Even 30 days later and receiving a taser from my aunt as a way to defend myself, I still watch my back. The light in this darkness is the fact that I reached out. I didn't stay silent and got help.
• Rough, Tough Love - Throughout this year, I struggled with standing up for myself and, most importantly, not becoming a target nor allowing myself to be vulnerable to situations that were against my gut feeling. It took a few times, but I think I finally got the hang of this thing called respect, and what it feels like to have self respect. I am now more open to vocalizing what doesn't feel fair nor truthful and remaining open to have a dialogue with others.

2013 is still taking its last few punches out of me while it still can. But as my boyfriend says, the universe is doing it now because it knows it won't be able to touch me in 2014. A lot of people have told me 2014 is going to be a great year for me. So, what does 2014 look like to me? Here's what I have...

Entertainment Industry Visions

2014 is going to start off with a bang. My TV appearance will be in January on the Biography Channel. I also will be going to Grand Junction because the film I produced, One Step Behind, will be showing in their film festival in February.

As a producer, I have plans to shoot a feature film to show at next year's film festival. I already have three stories outlined and it's just a matter of scripting, finding funding and, well, doing it! I'd liked to get my One Woman Show off the page and onto the stage as well.

As an actor, I already have workshops and classes lined up to help support and network my talents. I have goals to be on a guest star on a sit-com and to have two supporting roles in independent feature films and, fingers crossed, a supporting role in a big budget feature film. The cherry on top would be to book a national commercial.

Also, I now feel confident that I have enough experience to be paid for my work. This means that I will only allow myself to accept 4 unpaid gigs this year. That's right, 4. This doesn't include projects that I produce, but it sure will help me keep my financial wellness up.

Giving back - A big part of what I'd like to add to 2014 is giving back. I hope to go back to Colorado and provide advice to those who are looking to get started or just dive deeper. I'll be doing this is through private workshops held in Colorado. I also would like to connect with the high schools to arrange workshops to help prepare and give insights of what I've learned in the time I've been pursuing this.

Personal Visions

When I meditated this past week, a strange thing occurred. I discovered that I have accepted that I am an artist. This is such a foreign concept to me because until recently, I had always brushed off any creative license onto others whom I thought could do things better than me. But 2014 will be full of lessons in creating, cultivating, embracing, manifesting and putting up for display the creative artist that is, well, me. 

I'd like to travel more. I want to go to places I've never been and explore. Maybe I'll actually find out what it is that is so breathtaking about the earth's landscapes. I've never been one to be swept away by the visual; but I'm sure being surrounded by crystal clear water on white sandy beaches or in the valley of green pastures, maybe I'll find the fantastical. Even to hear the rain in Seattle, or the bustling streets of New York at Christmas time. We'll see where the wind blows me.

Friendships. Nothing is more precious to me than the people I find myself amongst.  You're my family when my real family isn't. I look forward to having more adventures and deepening relationships with those who are close to me already and getting to know new faces of those who will cross my path in 2014. 

I'd also like to return to a more relaxing yoga practice. I was a Bikram yogi for many years and now am transitioning into other yoga styles.  I miss Bikram. It provided a sense of strict discipline that I don't find in the yoga I'm experiencing. But maybe the strict discipline isn't what I need right now. Maybe I'm on a journey to find the flow of life again. Or just the freedom to develop my own path and become aware of the conversations between Mind, Body, and Soul. I've had on my bucket list to become a yoga teacher for many years now, maybe 2014 will be the year to have this come to fruition.

There's definitely more to what I have as far as hopes and dreams for 2014. For now, I think this will do.

Here's to a functional, fulfilling 2014!

Love, Roe

My Bravery/Courage has been tested...

I have never enjoyed the four walls of my apartment more than I have in the past week...

For those who may not know, someone attempted to sexually assault me when I was returning to my apartment from a normal, routine walk a couple days ago.  In that short two minutes, my life was forever changed. There's very few moments in my life that I can honestly say altered the way I view the world, but this one has definitely shocked me bigger than any earthquake could imagine.

Ever since the event, I have kept myself locked up in my apartment. I've found myself almost obsessing about how the situation could have been worse but wasn't (Thank God!). If I do go out, I make sure to walk quickly to my car and drive to the location (and those who follow me know I love my bike, but the thought of using it now is out of the question). I'm also watching my back and taking in full account of everyone I'm surrounded by. But beyond this, it made me question something at a deeper level that comes with something I don't have a choice about: I'm a female.

First of all, being female has it's societal challenges. Society portrays/has an expectation of what you must look like in order to be considered attractive or remotely acceptable for finding the career, man, house, etc of your dreams. I choose not to buy into these because I have learned about myself that men tend to find me desirable (though I have yet to discover why). Amongst these men, there have been many unwanted and sometimes unwarranted advances; and due to that fact, there has always been a strong drive for me to make myself ugly.  I don't wear makeup. I frequently don't do my hair or maintain a certain level of prima donna-ness to my beauty. I've now started to accept things about my beauty and changing the ugly little by little -- particularly with getting in really good physical shape -- and it seems I'm getting the pleasure of having to face the challenges head on. In only a few seconds, my certainty about everything was thrown into chaos.

In the actual event, the following things ran through my mind:

• At first thought, I knew I could take this guy on. 

I was not armed with any weapons. I was already dialing 911 before anything had occurred. I noticed the guy was stalking me and he stood approximately 3 feet behind me while I waited for the light to turn green so I could legally cross. I was being very calculated -- or so I thought. A part of me knows that being 5'10'' and having the muscular build I've earned can be intimidating. Maybe that was one of my saving graces that stopped him from really going further. As he sprinted after realizing he couldn't take me over, I debated about following him. I let him go as the thought of him having anything in his backpack could lead to more devastating consequences than just calling the cops.

•  Could I pass it off as he just thought I was sexy? 

Now hear me out. I'm not saying that his action shouldn't be condoned. He legitimately attacked me and for no morally right reason.  But take this action from an empty street corner and place it in a dance floor of a club. There's people everywhere. Hands are free to touch as we jive to the music. If a man grabbed my ass, it would be offensive, it would be unwarranted. Even if he had been watching my every move from across the bar and finally, in his attempt to get me to notice him, decided grabbing my ass would be a great way to do it, it may not have been as alarming and caused me to go into such a shock. There also would've been personnel there to handle the idiot and there would've been a feeling of redemption.

At this point, I know this man is still out there. Still free. And he knows approximately where I live since, clearly, carrying a cup of my hot chocolate and walking across the street doesn't suggest that I'm going out of my way. The adult part of me calmed me down and insisted I call the cops to protect others from further interaction.  The most they could say, "we'll have more cops in the area around that time in the future."

• I'm no longer safe. The world's no longer safe.

 Yes. If there was any childhood innocence still left in me, 99% of that innocence has definitely been shot out of me. I don't particularly want to go anywhere by myself anymore.  A few hours after the incident, I wanted to go to the mall and look around. But found myself countering with every thought of how it could happen again. The awful thing is: I never thought I'd be one to have a reason to carry a firearm, or a knife, or pepper spray, or any of those self defense mechanisms.  That's all changed now.

• Was I asking for it? 

 I hear all the time in sexual scandals: "Well, she shouldn't have been wearing that scandal-y clad outfit. She was asking for it."  This hits at my main point of why I'm always aiming to be ugly.  I figure if I'm ugly looking, I'm less likely to be a target. Well, on this particular morning, I was wearing my work out sweats. And no, there was no skin to be seen. There wasn't even a hint that there was anything worth grabbing. But again, I've been getting in better physical shape. This can make clothes look even better. Also, I should've known better than to be out alone at 6:00AM. So it must've been my fault, right? I attracted this, right? I know people in the neighborhood do go running at 6:00am. If it hadn't been the day after a holiday, perhaps there would've been more traffic to deter this idiot.  So, I ask you, was I asking for it?

• So, what now?

By staying in my apartment, I know this idiot is psychologically winning. But -- maybe not.  There's a grieving process I'm going through right now. I've lost innocence. I need to regain a sense of safety and self-reliance that was ripped away in this event. So, in a way, I'm processing.  I'll get out when I feel a little more secure.  Should I rush it? Eight ball says "My sources say no."

So, for the time being, I'd like to ask for your support and company when necessary. Even a ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. I know it could've been way worse (like, I could be dead). But it's still an impacting circumstance. I still am shying away from looking men in the eye, and even at yoga, feeling uncomfortable next to a man. But...

After all, as my new favorite saying:

It's only temporary.

 Thanks and love to those who read this...


Roe

People currency

I've made quite a discovery over the past week.  I'm now working with a therapist to hopefully break the pattern of what I find completely appalling because I'm tired of being abused. I'm tired of being put down. I'm tired of others seeing it to be okay to manipulate me. and not be truthful.  But I realize, I don't speak the same currency others do.  I'll explain.

When you think of currency, you generally think money.  The green, fabric-like paper bill and the clanking coins that make you feel rich when you shake your piggy bank.  In order to get things like food or a TV or an iPad, you have to give this currency to receive the food or TV or iPad.

We do the same thing as humans, just using a different kind of currency.  Sometimes the currency is bold, unstoppable truth. Other times it's mutilated half truths and disguises.  Whatever it is, you're giving this to other people. and you choose what you give to certain people.  It's not like someone goes around and chooses to hit on everybody in sight. But when you approach a person, a chosen currency comes up -- and sometimes, expectations of what is to be received for giving this chosen currency.

I recently was cultivating a friendship with an older man. I saw him as a dad figure -- okay, maybe not. but he's nearly twice my age. He had offered to help me with some resources to get back into the acting thing.  Plus, he provided an opportunity for me to work with someone as an accountability partner to help me do tasks that I find utterly intimidating doing alone.  My initial thought: Great! Fantastic!

Not.  Although he was offering this currency, he had a hidden expectation of what this would cost me. Call me aloof, call me naieve. call me whatever you want -- but I didn't see it from the surface and believed he was doing this in good faith as I do when i open myself up to being a resource or a mentor. What was he wanting to receive in exchange? You ask great questions.

We had dinner together; and at the end of dinner, he boldly said, "So, what are we?"  I immediately responded, "We're friends." And he countered that with all the reasons why I should be his girlfriend or lover or in some way, romantically involved with him. In my mind, he's not a very attractive man.  He's my mother's age -- ew!  And to top that off, I'm in no position to be involved in a relationship. And that's seconded by my therapist!

Silly me.  I should've seen it coming because now the "innocent and authentic compliments" he had been giving me had become manipulating and deceptive comments. He had brought up questions like, "What am I looking for in a relationship?" He even tried saying, "I know you've never been in a healthy relationship. Let me be the first."  ::Gag::

So, in order to have this "mentor" and have an accountability partner who'll help me was gonna cost me having to be involved in a romantic relationship that I wouldn't be happy in.  Did I cash in? You better damn well know I didn't.  I would've rather spent my currency on McDonald's questionable all-white chicken nuggets than on a disgusting situation like this.

Ultimately, what was the revelation? When people ask for my help, what I ask for in return is so foreign to people.  I ask for respect, acknowledgement, and integrity.  These seem to cost so much that people would rather look at me and go, "Well, I have the quarters, but can I just give you the nickel?" I'm sick of being offered the bottom change.  I want to be paid what I'm worth.  I could never imagine asking for someone to be my romantic interest in order for my assistance.

It's really made me upset and made me sick.  After that experience, I was meeting up with another male friend of mine; who I didn't know if he was gonna propose the same romantic relationship. But i got myself so sick, I forced myself to throw up and was so nervous I had to scream in my car the whole way to calm down. I had to convince myself this guy wasn't gonna hit on me. and if he did, he'd respect that I don't want to. And that would end the conversation rather than continuing to convince me. 

Didn't you hear me?

I told you we are friends.
You give a half smile.
One that I've seen so many times
From men like you.
There's no attraction. There's no desire.
I'm in no place to be what you want.

Yet, you reach your arm out. Touch me.
I feel your hand across my skin.
It makes me twinge; but I don't wanna be rude.
I smile and laugh it off. Hoping you'll stop.
The word slips: No.

I pull away.
You smile and say okay.
Not more than a few minutes,
You're back with your antics.

The pit in my stomach grows heavier and heavier.
My mind races "I've been here before,"
One too many times.
Why do I have to keep protecting myself
From those like you?
Who pretend to understand,
But won't accept.
Won't respect. Won't stay kept
From overtly displaying your desires
When they're clearly unwanted.

I leave your presence.
I can't understand why I trusted in the first place.
Gave you a chance.
Just to find out you're like every other ass.




Thank you.

Roe  <3 br="">